Electing To Give

 
The Half Dead Guy has been accused by his better half (BH) of talking about money too much.  I'm not going to disappoint BH or my Dear Readers when the fruit is ripe for the picking. 

A quick bit of research online show that this year's presidential candidates will raise a whopping 1.7 billion dollars which is almost twice what candidates raised last year.  At that growth rate, my 7 year old will see presidential donation of nearly 15 billion dollars in the 2020 election between Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon and the ghost of Sophie Winfrey where the biggest issue will be why Joe the Personal Trainer can't afford to retire.

What can you get for 1.7 billion dollars nowadays?

- Last year, the National Cancer Institute spent nearly 1.4 billion dollars on prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of Breast, Colorectal, Lung, and Prostrate cancers.

- Greenland's 2007 Gross Domestic Product was 1.7 billion dollars.  Not bad for the world's largest island (Australia is a continent) where sled dogs are the major form of transportation.  The U.S.'s GDP would be halved if we used sled dogs instead of taxi cabs.

- A March Madness Tournament on your desktop.  Here's a secret: Your IT Geeks like sports too - that's why it hasn't been blocked.

Half Dead Guy's solution for campaign funding is very simple, but clever:

1. Fifty cents of every dollar raised by all candidates will go into a charitable pool. 

2. Each candidate will publicly nominate five charities and (here's the hard part) state in 10 words or less why they support its cause. 

3. Charities split the pot at the end of the election. 

Candidates are gently reminded that we may be dumb, but we know there's no such charity as "Federation of Honorable Public Servants".

Q: When's a Crawl Space Not a Crawl Space

A: When it Floods

Background: We recently had our crawl space filled with water when the river we live on crested during a three day storm downpour. Since we live on a river, we are required to hold FEMA Flood Insurance. The adjuster came out, reviewed the damages, submitted a claim and we received a check from FEMA (mostly) covering the damage. Shortly after the check arrived a nasty letter from State Farm (they administer our FEMA policy) showed up. The letter stated that the adjuster noticed our property was misclassified on the policy and that we have a basement, not a crawl space. They would need a check from us immediately or else our FEMA policy would be canceled. Had the adjustor found a hidden entrance to Area 51 that exists under our home where we could jam the kids crap toys that now clutter our lives? first and only floor?

Of course not. FEMA now considers any area below grade a basement making our crawl space a basement and, of course, charging us more to insure. Have you ever noticed that when companies or people change the definitions of words or expand them you always end up paying more? For example:

Beef Franks: more expensive than Hot Dogs

Home Audio System: cost more than a Home Stereo

Porch Screening System: way more than that old Screen Porch

Any ways, I did a quick check and found that a basement is: "The lowest habitable story of a building, usually below ground level." Maybe I was missing something, could habitable mean chipmunks can live there? Nope. "Habitable" means "Being in a condition appropriate for human habitation." I guess it depends on your definition of "appropriate". This could go on forever...

Does this look like the basement you played spin the bottle in when you were young?

Shameless Plug: Crawly Things

I Know Who You're Voting For

While we sat and ate dinner last night, Half Dead Guy's son who is 7 (and 3/4) came up with a doosey. "Dad", he said "I know who you're voting for."

Half Dead Guy pays attention to politics. So much so, that he consciously does not talk politics in front of his children - this could result in oppositional defiance during those soon-to-come rebellious years - and we don't want that. (aside: I also pretend to love rap and hip hop music in the hopes that this will drive them to rock and roll with Bon Jovi during the teenage years.)

"Who do you think I'm voting for?" I asked.

"You're voting for not Barack Obama." [sic] He replied.

"What makes you think I wouldn't vote for Barack?" I asked.

"Because he's a smoker." He quickly replied.

Obviously, he isn't a big fan of smokers either. I never revealed who will get my vote, but I thought about that comment for a while after he said it. Can you think of anything more unpresidential-looking than having a butt hang out of our president's mouth? Since Washington D.C is a smoke-free work place and the Oval Office is located there, a smoking president will actually have to leave the oval office to grab a puffer outside.  Maybe Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy will bring him a Smokeless Ashtray as a White House warming gift.

Being impartial I sent out to find pictures of both candidates smoking. With Big Al's Internet it wasn't hard to find a picture or two. Here's what I found on the two candidates:

 

Yikes! That is not a pretty sight. Let's compare that with John McCain's smoking picture:

Wow, he's not too happy looking. I bet that was taken just after his grilling interview with Barack-loving David Letterman. He looks like an angry 70-year old who just lost his golf ball.  I intentionally skipped the now famous picture of McCain smoking while he was in a prison hospital bed. We all know it's not safe to smoke in bed.

The United States hasn't had a cigarette smoking president since Dwight Eisenhower took office in 1953. But now, since it is apparent that both candidates smoke, I'll have to explain to my son that it's okay to do so, but only if you're going to be president.

 

Shameless Plug: All Things Smoking

Identity Challenged

MAG was quite surprised to find a shiny, freshly pressed credit card with his name on it waiting in the mailbox last week. He was doubly surprise considering the much-hyped credit turmoil and general financial disaster currently grabbing headlines worldwide. In addition, MAG hadn’t requested this cash replacement card, but fantasized that perhaps this new credit line was backed by the U.S Government as my part of the $700 billion bailout package. Of course, no such luck.

 

A quick call to Bank of America confirmed that MAG was indeed the victim  of identity theft. MAG's all for people imitating him, but spoofing his I.D. and attempting to take a $23,000 cash advance crosses the (credit) line. Due to questionable security measures at Equifax, the perp was able to pull my credit report probably during Mauri’s commercial break. MAG has worked in identity management and also for one of the Big Three credit bureaus (not Equifax), but never gave much thought to securing my own identity, until now.

In an effort to save the precious time we MAG’s have left in the land of credit, MAG has compiled this list of FREE actions you can take. In about 10 minutes you'll help reduce the chances of being on the phone for a whole day repeating your SSN to people you don't know:

1. You hear this often but not for the reason MAG's going to tell you: Get a free credit report from all three credit bureaus every year. The only free site working with the FTC which provides data links to the Big Three is AnnualCreditReport.com. If you just clicked on that hyperlink, you should be ashamed of yourself - see #3 below. The site allows you to fill out your information just once and visit the Big Three without having to enter it again. While the reports are nice and allow you to review your (jeepers!) credit lines, MAG is suggesting you pull your credit to prevent someone else from pulling it for you. MAG was rejected when he tried to pull his Equifax report because the fake MAG had pulled it a week earlier. A perp could still get a report by paying, however that would leave a nasty money trail. If the credit bureau offers a free online account (like Trans Union), sign up for it. By signing up for a free account, you will effectively lock your report from being pulled by a perp because you will have secured it behind a User Id and Password that only you know (see below for User ID and Password hints). This is because access is limited to one account per social security number.

2. Go to optoutprescreen.com and opt out of credit offers. In about one minute’s time, you can prevent five year's worth of credit card offers being delivered to your mailbox. Dumpster divers love credit card offers and most of them come with a blank check built right in at the bottom. How very convenient.

3. Don't be stupid when using a computer. Computer Geeks and thieves are very cleaver and can do things like present a link (like this one -> www.whitehouse.gov) that will take you to a completely different site without you noticing. That took about 5 seconds to do. Now, just imaging if someone had a bunch of time on their hands and created a site that was an exact copy of eBay. Would you login to the screen below?

Bottom line, don't trust links on sites that take you to pages where you login. Trust MAG on this - an entire Yahoo home page with login wouldn't take but a day to create an exact copy. As soon as you try and login, your e-mail address is stolen and you will be redirected to the real Yahoo site. You wouldn't suspect a thing. Bookmark the sites you visit frequently or use Live Search to search for a site and click on the link.

4. Change the User ID on your online financial accounts to something you can't remember. Write the new User ID and Password on a sticky note and place it next to your home computer. Aging Reader: "That's crazy MAG!" MAG is feeling a little pithy right now but doing this will force you to only access your financial accounts from your home computer. Away from home, your User ID and Password can be grabbed out of the air from a Wi-Fi Hotspot, stolen using a keyboard logger (recorder) from a public or work computer, or snagged by someone looking over your shoulder. Identity thieves don't break into homes to steal data, they don't need to because too many people don't read HalfDeadGuy blog. Not to sound like your mom but, unlike your underwear, you should change your password every three months.

5. Never give out your SSN or Birthday. No matter how tempting it is to get "Happy Birthday" notices on your FaceBook page, don't use your real birthday and for heaven's sake never give a site your SSN.

Identity is an odd thing that is proven over the phone by shards of information that separate us from one another. Does my address make me MAG, or my SSN, or my Birth Date, all three of these combined? While talking to the Victims Assistance Unit at Bank of America, MAG thought maybe this credit card scheme was just an elaborate ruse to get him to call an off-shore toll-free number and give the perp more information. MAG asked for proof that the operator named Mary worked for Bank of America then considered maybe it would be easier just to believe her. In the end, isn't that what companies do?

6. Set a verbal password for all financial accounts. Call any bank, credit card, and loan companies you do business with. Ask them to place a verbal password on your account. You will be required to give this password as a final identification step when transacting over the phone.

Shameless Plug: All Things About Identity Theft

Revolting Taxation

The hot topics last night at the Rock the Block fundraiser for CURE were the bailout and the fresh-to-your door Cook County Real Estate Tax Bills.  If you're not lucky enough to live in Cook County, I can only describe the feeling of opening one of these tax bills as much like having a Colonoscopy, but without the soft music.

For those of you curious about what these look like here's one I recently captured in the wild (Internet):

(Example Tax Bill - Cook County)

The first thing I love about this bill is the "PAY ONLY THIS AMOUNT" in the top left corner.  This sentence, designed by team of psychologists, is meant to soften up the lucky opener and keep them from vomiting immediately.  You think "thank goodness I only need to pay this amount."  Before "only" was added the payment receiving center employees were required by OSHA to have vomit sawdust in hand when opening tax payments.

The next section I'm drawn to is the "Tax Calculator".  Ah, the good old days of calculators.  My first was a TI-55 and it was a beauty - except for that humming sound the screen made.  I never quite understood those Reverse Polish notation HP calculators carried by the true nerds.  Do people still say Revere Polish notation or has that been wiped from PC history books?

As I start reading the Tax Calculator section though, I quickly realized it wasn't a calculator at all.  It's more of an Tax Obfuscator with foreign terms like "State Equalization Factor", "Equalized Assessed Value", and "Assessment Level".  Who makes these things up?  I especially like the "2007 Equalized Assessed Value (EAV)" item.  Putting EAV in parenthesis brings sudden clarity to an otherwise extremely murky line item.  Honey, please hand me the barf bag I'm heading into the details section of the bill.

Hey, where's my Homeowner's Exemption?  Last time I checked I'm living in home and I'm the owner (borrowed of record).  I'm sure a quick call to the office first thing Monday morning will fix that - wink wink. 

I won't bore you with my take on each of the eighteen (18) line items on the bill, but here are a few of my favorites (in order of absurdity):

1. SUBURBAN T B SANITARIUM - ($0.00) The sanitarium must have closed as there's no bill for 2007.  Why do they continue to list it?  As a threat of course.  "Remember the T B Sanitarium Tax?  Stop complaining and pay your bill  or we'll bring it back faster than you can slap a tick."

2. CONSOLIDATED ELECTIONS - ($27.34) When were all of the elections merged into one?  Maybe my eyes are glazing over but do we actually pay to vote?

3. N SHORE MOSQUITO ABATEMENT - ($18.22) You can't complain about killing bugs, right.  But should the amount be based on a home's value?  Do mosquitos prefer to suck blood from the rich?  I know there's a taxation analogy somewhere in that comment, but I just can't seem to put my finger on it.

Remember: A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.

Shameless Plug:  All Things Tax

The $700 Billion Guide To Parenting

Let me first state that I am not an economics expert. If I were, my bald head and I would be in D.C. right now with the fellow follicly-challenged Ben Bernanke and Henry Paulin.

Secondly, even though 700 billion is a huge number, it's not as big as the 13 million-digit prime number these scientists from UCLA found recently. You can see other blogs for useless comparisons like "that's equivalent to 46 toupées for all Americans over 18 who drive a Jetta".

Thirdly, I'm always looking for good parenting techniques. The Government's (read Parent) plan to bailout U.S. citizens (read Children), companies (foreign as well), and wall street investors with $700 billion dollars is all over the news. Forget Dr. Spock and Dr. Phil, the baldest men in the room worked 11 full days included cramming over the weekend on this bill; so we can be sure it is full of caffeine-induced insight.

I've done most of the heavy-lifting already; so you won't have to read, interpret, and digest (including an inordinate amount of acid reflux) the 110 page bill (Laziness and not thinking for yourself are advanced topics covered in Chapter 23). Here are some excerpts from my soon-to-be best-selling book titled The Child Whisperer: Parenting by Government Example :

Chapter 1 : Consequences Shmonsequences
Teach your children that no matter what they do, how old they, or how many times you caution them that investments involve risk and past earnings are not an indication of future performance, you will be there to save them by giving them money, housing, and in general provide for them until they are pushing daisies.

Chapter 2 : Rewarding Bad Behavior with Cold Hard Cash
Nothing says "I love you" more than cold hard cash. "Good idea breaking that window Billy. Here's $250 to fix it and while you're at it, that bat you used looks tired and old from being left out in the rain, here's another $249 for a new one." Yep, youth bats can now cost $249. No wonder our economy is in trouble.

Chapter 3 : How to Stop Whining Once and For All
The surest and fastest way to stop whining is, of course, by saying "Yes". Banker: "No job, no income? I'm sorry Billy, you're just going to have to wait until you can afford it." Billy: "I'll go and tell ACORN and file a CRA grievance and by the way, like, all of my friends are doing it." Banker: "Oh, in that case, sign here and initial here 13 million times."

Chapter 4 : He Started It or How to Blame The Other Guy
"He Started It!" seems like such a simple phrase and may not get the attention it deserves in your house. Encourage your children faced with certain judgement that they should accuse others first (this puts the other guy on the defensive - a good thing). Remember, nothing says "Let's get together on this issue and solve a problem", like finger pointing.

Chapter 5 : Because You're Entitled to it, That's Why
Put your kids on the right track by repeatedly telling them "they deserve it." No job good enough for you? "It's ok, take some time off to get your head straight." Pay for Health Care/Insurance? "You're covered." Can't get digital T.V.? "Here's a coupon." No House? You get the idea.

Chapter 6 : Do as I Do, Not as I Say
Teach your children to live well beyond their means, just like Mom and Dad do. Spending more than you earn just proves you're credit-worthy and shows your neighbors how financially savvy your are. Borrow huge amounts of money from your neighborhood load shark and when he calls in the debt take decisive action. First, and most ironically, ask demand that your children give you money. If you can't get enough there, sell or lease assets you don't own like bridges, toll ways, and even state lotteries. Call it creative financing, move on, but most importantly, keep spending - plenty more where that came from.

Chapter 7: Punish Success Indiscriminately
This is an advanced chapter and should really only be taught to children that have a complete understanding of the Communist Manifesto. No matter how successful you are, how many people you employ, how much money you make for your shareholders, how much taxable income you've produced, your loving parents reserve the right to tell the company you work for that they're paying you too much (we'll call this golden parachute protection to make you feel important). "What do you mean, that's not fair? Because we said so. That's why!"

Chapter 13 and 7 : Uh oh, Now You're in Trouble
Teach your children that as a last resort they can pull the ultimate safety cord and wipe away all of their pain by filing bankruptcy which thankfully comes in many popular flavors. "No Billy, there isn't a flavor for us parents - we didn't think of that (yet). We'll have to put a bunch of bald finance guys in a room and see what they come up with."

To pre-order your copy of the The Child Whisperer: Parenting by Government Example please contact MAG directly.

Shameless Plug: All Things Bankruptcy