Let me first state that I am not an economics expert. If I were, my bald head and I would be in D.C. right now with the fellow follicly-challenged Ben Bernanke and Henry Paulin. Secondly, even though 700 billion is a huge number, it's not as big as the 13 million-digit prime number these scientists from UCLA found recently. You can see other blogs for useless comparisons like "that's equivalent to 46 toupées for all Americans over 18 who drive a Jetta".
Thirdly, I'm always looking for good parenting techniques. The Government's (read Parent) plan to bailout U.S. citizens (read Children), companies (foreign as well), and wall street investors with $700 billion dollars is all over the news. Forget Dr. Spock and Dr. Phil, the baldest men in the room worked 11 full days included cramming over the weekend on this bill; so we can be sure it is full of caffeine-induced insight.
I've done most of the heavy-lifting already; so you won't have to read, interpret, and digest (including an inordinate amount of acid reflux) the 110 page bill (Laziness and not thinking for yourself are advanced topics covered in Chapter 23). Here are some excerpts from my soon-to-be best-selling book titled The Child Whisperer: Parenting by Government Example :
Chapter 1 : Consequences Shmonsequences
Teach your children that no matter what they do, how old they, or how many times you caution them that investments involve risk and past earnings are not an indication of future performance, you will be there to save them by giving them money, housing, and in general provide for them until they are pushing daisies.
Chapter 2 : Rewarding Bad Behavior with Cold Hard Cash
Nothing says "I love you" more than cold hard cash. "Good idea breaking that window Billy. Here's $250 to fix it and while you're at it, that bat you used looks tired and old from being left out in the rain, here's another $249 for a new one." Yep, youth bats can now cost $249. No wonder our economy is in trouble.
Chapter 3 : How to Stop Whining Once and For All
The surest and fastest way to stop whining is, of course, by saying "Yes". Banker: "No job, no income? I'm sorry Billy, you're just going to have to wait until you can afford it." Billy: "I'll go and tell ACORN and file a CRA grievance and by the way, like, all of my friends are doing it." Banker: "Oh, in that case, sign here and initial here 13 million times."
Chapter 4 : He Started It or How to Blame The Other Guy
"He Started It!" seems like such a simple phrase and may not get the attention it deserves in your house. Encourage your children faced with certain judgement that they should accuse others first (this puts the other guy on the defensive - a good thing). Remember, nothing says "Let's get together on this issue and solve a problem", like finger pointing.
Chapter 5 : Because You're Entitled to it, That's Why
Put your kids on the right track by repeatedly telling them "they deserve it." No job good enough for you? "It's ok, take some time off to get your head straight." Pay for Health Care/Insurance? "You're covered." Can't get digital T.V.? "Here's a coupon." No House? You get the idea.
Chapter 6 : Do as I Do, Not as I Say
Teach your children to live well beyond their means, just like Mom and Dad do. Spending more than you earn just proves you're credit-worthy and shows your neighbors how financially savvy your are. Borrow huge amounts of money from your neighborhood load shark and when he calls in the debt take decisive action. First, and most ironically, ask demand that your children give you money. If you can't get enough there, sell or lease assets you don't own like bridges, toll ways, and even state lotteries. Call it creative financing, move on, but most importantly, keep spending - plenty more where that came from.
Chapter 7: Punish Success Indiscriminately
This is an advanced chapter and should really only be taught to children that have a complete understanding of the Communist Manifesto. No matter how successful you are, how many people you employ, how much money you make for your shareholders, how much taxable income you've produced, your loving parents reserve the right to tell the company you work for that they're paying you too much (we'll call this golden parachute protection to make you feel important). "What do you mean, that's not fair? Because we said so. That's why!"
Chapter 13 and 7 : Uh oh, Now You're in Trouble
Teach your children that as a last resort they can pull the ultimate safety cord and wipe away all of their pain by filing bankruptcy which thankfully comes in many popular flavors. "No Billy, there isn't a flavor for us parents - we didn't think of that (yet). We'll have to put a bunch of bald finance guys in a room and see what they come up with."
To pre-order your copy of the The Child Whisperer: Parenting by Government Example please contact MAG directly.
1 Comments from MAG Readers:
Looks good to me. Where do I get the book?
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