Google Boosts Your Brain Power

Good news for all you Half Dead Guys out there.  A recently published study  claims that using Internet search engines actually improved brain activity in key decision-making areas of the brain.  The study even goes so far as to say that Googling could benefit the brain more than reading.  Best part of all, the study was done on guys older than Half Dead Guy.

Forget the Inauguration and Miracles on the Hudson, this is the big news of the week.  Get on your computer, fire up Google.com and start searching.  Search for cars and gloves, heck,  try and find the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson.  Let me know if you find him.

Not included in the study was any research as to why old people continue to misuse “the” when talking about computers.

“I did a search on The Google and watched the video on The You Tube”

Hair Abuse = Corruption?

Half Dead Guy just can’t get his folically-challenged head around the corruption charges against Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Coming from a long line of early-to-reveal their scalp men, I realize the importance of not wasting a nice, full head of hair. It pains me to see someone waste their hair like this. I had to find out what we all suspect is true – Is there a connection between hair abuse and moral turpitude?

Case 1: Rod Blagojevich

Charged With: Trying to sell a senate seat and [bleeping] saying a lot of potty words

Picture Proof:

OK, that wasn’t fair. The last picture was taken right after he got out of the shower.

Case 2: Ohio Representative James Traficant

Charged With: Taking Bribes, Racketeering, etc.

Picture Proof:

Traficant had to take the dead animal off his head when he was booked into Summit County Jail, but was allowed to keep it in his cell - never know when you’re going to need to look your best in jail.

Case 3: Ohio Representative Bob Ney

Charged With: Accepting cash and casino chips for services

Picture Proof:

Casino chips? Might as well have been paper carnival ticket from an arcade. Maybe they were out of lottery tickets.

Maybe the results aren’t 100% conclusive but this is a good start. HDG needs a few more data points and my guess is the charges will keep rolling in and you can bet that I’ll keep watching for hair abuse.

Maybe we should adopt the wig rule forcing politicians and judges to wear wigs like these happy guys:

That certainly would level the playing field and let honest bald guys run for office for a “real change”.

MenoPorsche

By Guest Contributor: Not Quite Half Dead Guy (S.S.)

MenoPorsche (MEN.uh.por.shuh; MEN.uh.porsh) n.

1. Angst and anxiety exhibited by some men upon reaching middle age, especially when those feelings manifest in the purchase of a sports car or an affair with a younger woman.

2. A sports car purchased by a man undergoing a mid-life crisis.

3. This strange coinage refers to the fictional symptoms experienced by rich, urban middle-aged men who try to fight off a mid-life crisis onset, by lavishly buying a speedster car, ride in it and drive off the anxiety and lack of motivation one goes through in his 40s!

Also: meno-Porsche. [Blend of menopause and Porsche.]

When Half Dead Guy contacted me a few weeks ago and asked how my "MenoPorsche" was going I had to think about that. Being newly minted as "Not Quite Half Dead Guy" I realized that he was right and I have, in fact, experienced Meno-Porsche. I have come upon that great intersection called mid-life, but am lacking the “crisis”. Not Quite Half Dead Guy has a great family with two daughters and a wife who I wouldn’t even think of trading for a 25-year old trophy girlfriend. So I wondered whether my new Porsche purchase was truly a “Mid-Life Crisis” or just simply a “Mid-Life” phase.

I remember fondly my post-college years in my early twenties when I owned a fast car, and drove it that way. At that time it was not only my daily ride, but something that would quickly top out at 120 mph thanks to a Chrysler rev-limiter, which I actually tested 2 times (the 2^nd time was just to confirm the first). As if that need for speed wasn’t enough, my car was complemented by a motorcycle that went even faster (I won’t say how fast because my 7 year old can read).

After I got married and was blessed with two children the importance of a “fun” car that just happened to redline at 120 mph diminished. The sports car was traded down for a functional vehicle that would comfortably fit two car seats for those days when it was my turn to take the kids somewhere.

The practical daily driver vehicles are paid for with many miles still to go (hopefully), but my memory of some fun was recently fulfilled with the purchase of a powerhouse Porsche 911 with 350 bhp (look it up) that puts my early 20’s car to shame in looks, handling and power. Now, I get to experience the thrill of a real sports car again - on good weather days. I recently took it to a track in Michigan for a PCA (Porsche Club of America) to see what I was missing on the street (i.e. couldn't get away with on the streets). Plus, I get to share the fun with my family thanks to the back seats which fit the kids' booster seats. Nothing says "Daddy loves you!" more than their heads plastered to the headrest when the light turns green.

So, was my Porsche purchased as part of a crisis, or was it just part of my cyclical human experience? Is it fair to say that my life's balance is like the stock market, housing industry, or unemployment? Maybe feeling twenty years old every 20 years isn’t such a bad thing? Just As long as you aren’t replacing your wife, job or life responsibilities with a toy car.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

By One Foot In The Grave Guy

Hey There!  I want to let you know how my new fitness lifestyle is coming along.  After just over 10 days into it, I’ve come to learn that this is going to be quite a commitment for a couple of reasons.

1. Eating healthy cost more than eating crappy. And, in case you haven’t noticed the healthy foods don’t even taste as good! Case in point…a loaf of white bread with around 30 slices costs about a dollar while a loaf of whole wheat with maybe 10 slices costs about 4 bucks! On the other hand, maybe that’s the angle…on a fixed budget one will buy less quantity of a better quality, which equals fewer calories and hence weight loss.

2. Exercising takes time and I for one can tell you that after pounding out my first 15 minute mile (I wanted to maintain a steady and heart-friendly pace) - I was exhausted. I finally got up my courage to give it a go this past weekend. Yep, I laced up my best pair of Chuck Taylor high tops, threw on my favorite cargos, donned my slightly worn Rolling Stones tank, put on my yellow Sony cassette Walkman and went out. And did I get the honks and yells! Ha, from one car I heard, “Love the tube socks, Dude”! I think the tube socks actually make me look faster than I really am, so I’m going to keep wearing them. Plus, they have the added benefit of making me sweat more, which is good because I think most of my excess weight is water anyway…so after I ran I didn’t drink anything, no sense in putting back what I’d just worked so hard to get rid of, right?

I also started looking into joining a local gym in hopes that I can one day have the same body as Will Ferrell.  He and I are about the same height, so why not? From everything I’ve read I need to make sure that I do cardio along with weight training. For those readers who are unsure of the term cardio, it basically means exercises that raise the heart rate for an extended period of time. The funny thing is that my heart rate rises the moment I walk through the door at home every evening after work, but I guess that’s not quite the same. Cardio would be more like getting up from the couch and sprinting to the refrigerator rather than simply walking to it. There’s some exertion required in the sprint.

So, anyway, I went to a gym, inquired about a membership and with my inquiry I received a free, 1 week, pass. I had my gym bag with me so I decided to try it out. With my Walkman attached on my waistband I headed into the free weight room to start with the bench press. I was a bit nervous when I saw all the different equipment but then I witnessed a guy smaller than me putting two of the biggest weights on each end of a barbell. “Wow”, I said to myself, “that little guy’s going to press 225 pounds!” Well, sure enough he hoisted it off the posts and quickly brought it down on his chest.  But that’s as far as he got. I heard his muffled cry for help and I went to assist him. We managed to get it back on the holders and he couldn’t help but explain that he was working his 5^th set and just had a hard time completing the 10^th rep! …I am no longer nervous!

Shameless Plug: All Things Fitness

Getting Back in Shape

By One Foot In The Grave Guy

Of course by the title you’d think that this guy was once in shape, but that would naturally depend on the definition of “shape”. For most Half Dead Guys like me, we wake up one morning, and while looking in the mirror actually stop and wonder what happened…who’s that guy? This happened to me about 10 years ago, so I no longer shave in front of the mirror but rather in the shower, problem solved! But, the shower thing has come home to roost now. It seems that it takes more soap to wash my body. And, why would that be? Probably for the same reason that it takes more denim in my newest pair of blue jeans or more leather in my belts!

So now I’m endeavoring to try to get myself back into shape and from everything I’ve read it seems like the first thing to do is to set some realistic goals. My first goal will be to get back in shape before it’s too late. This is totally manageable and I’m feeling better already about no pressured timeline.

The second thing I need to do before I start exercising is see my physician. He needs to make sure that I’m in good enough shape before I can really get myself in shape. This does seem a little backwards. I know plenty of guys who go to the doctor when something is wrong and they’re in great shape…so why don’t I do this? BH…enough said! Hopefully he won’t tell me that it’s too late because then I would have to rename myself the “Mostly Dead Guy”.

Then, after that, I’m going to set out to learn as much about exercising and fitness and perhaps sign-up for an on-line exercising community. Large teams may not be great at work, but when it comes to fitness support from other is the key. I’ve found two that are intriguing: http://www.gyminee.com/ which shows exercises, allows tracking and logging of exercises and food intake, and friends. The other, http://www.crossfit.com/, provides a WOD (that’s Work-Out of the Day), but is really hardcore. This site is ideal for the guy who wants to not only chase down a bad guy but beat the crap out of him as well!

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like the more out of shape I get, the more fitness magazines covered with ripped guys show up at my door. Their piercing eyes never let you forget your career involves mostly sitting in meetings and exercising your Pterygoidei muscles. While you're at work tomorrow, that smiling guy to the right will be at the gym, tannery, or on a photo shoot. I think I know why he's smiling...

More to come of HDG's fitness program…but now it's off to my refrigerator for a cold one!

Shameless Plug: All Things Fitness

By "One Foot In The Grave" Guy

Electing To Give

 
The Half Dead Guy has been accused by his better half (BH) of talking about money too much.  I'm not going to disappoint BH or my Dear Readers when the fruit is ripe for the picking. 

A quick bit of research online show that this year's presidential candidates will raise a whopping 1.7 billion dollars which is almost twice what candidates raised last year.  At that growth rate, my 7 year old will see presidential donation of nearly 15 billion dollars in the 2020 election between Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon and the ghost of Sophie Winfrey where the biggest issue will be why Joe the Personal Trainer can't afford to retire.

What can you get for 1.7 billion dollars nowadays?

- Last year, the National Cancer Institute spent nearly 1.4 billion dollars on prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of Breast, Colorectal, Lung, and Prostrate cancers.

- Greenland's 2007 Gross Domestic Product was 1.7 billion dollars.  Not bad for the world's largest island (Australia is a continent) where sled dogs are the major form of transportation.  The U.S.'s GDP would be halved if we used sled dogs instead of taxi cabs.

- A March Madness Tournament on your desktop.  Here's a secret: Your IT Geeks like sports too - that's why it hasn't been blocked.

Half Dead Guy's solution for campaign funding is very simple, but clever:

1. Fifty cents of every dollar raised by all candidates will go into a charitable pool. 

2. Each candidate will publicly nominate five charities and (here's the hard part) state in 10 words or less why they support its cause. 

3. Charities split the pot at the end of the election. 

Candidates are gently reminded that we may be dumb, but we know there's no such charity as "Federation of Honorable Public Servants".

Q: When's a Crawl Space Not a Crawl Space

A: When it Floods

Background: We recently had our crawl space filled with water when the river we live on crested during a three day storm downpour. Since we live on a river, we are required to hold FEMA Flood Insurance. The adjuster came out, reviewed the damages, submitted a claim and we received a check from FEMA (mostly) covering the damage. Shortly after the check arrived a nasty letter from State Farm (they administer our FEMA policy) showed up. The letter stated that the adjuster noticed our property was misclassified on the policy and that we have a basement, not a crawl space. They would need a check from us immediately or else our FEMA policy would be canceled. Had the adjustor found a hidden entrance to Area 51 that exists under our home where we could jam the kids crap toys that now clutter our lives? first and only floor?

Of course not. FEMA now considers any area below grade a basement making our crawl space a basement and, of course, charging us more to insure. Have you ever noticed that when companies or people change the definitions of words or expand them you always end up paying more? For example:

Beef Franks: more expensive than Hot Dogs

Home Audio System: cost more than a Home Stereo

Porch Screening System: way more than that old Screen Porch

Any ways, I did a quick check and found that a basement is: "The lowest habitable story of a building, usually below ground level." Maybe I was missing something, could habitable mean chipmunks can live there? Nope. "Habitable" means "Being in a condition appropriate for human habitation." I guess it depends on your definition of "appropriate". This could go on forever...

Does this look like the basement you played spin the bottle in when you were young?

Shameless Plug: Crawly Things

I Know Who You're Voting For

While we sat and ate dinner last night, Half Dead Guy's son who is 7 (and 3/4) came up with a doosey. "Dad", he said "I know who you're voting for."

Half Dead Guy pays attention to politics. So much so, that he consciously does not talk politics in front of his children - this could result in oppositional defiance during those soon-to-come rebellious years - and we don't want that. (aside: I also pretend to love rap and hip hop music in the hopes that this will drive them to rock and roll with Bon Jovi during the teenage years.)

"Who do you think I'm voting for?" I asked.

"You're voting for not Barack Obama." [sic] He replied.

"What makes you think I wouldn't vote for Barack?" I asked.

"Because he's a smoker." He quickly replied.

Obviously, he isn't a big fan of smokers either. I never revealed who will get my vote, but I thought about that comment for a while after he said it. Can you think of anything more unpresidential-looking than having a butt hang out of our president's mouth? Since Washington D.C is a smoke-free work place and the Oval Office is located there, a smoking president will actually have to leave the oval office to grab a puffer outside.  Maybe Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy will bring him a Smokeless Ashtray as a White House warming gift.

Being impartial I sent out to find pictures of both candidates smoking. With Big Al's Internet it wasn't hard to find a picture or two. Here's what I found on the two candidates:

 

Yikes! That is not a pretty sight. Let's compare that with John McCain's smoking picture:

Wow, he's not too happy looking. I bet that was taken just after his grilling interview with Barack-loving David Letterman. He looks like an angry 70-year old who just lost his golf ball.  I intentionally skipped the now famous picture of McCain smoking while he was in a prison hospital bed. We all know it's not safe to smoke in bed.

The United States hasn't had a cigarette smoking president since Dwight Eisenhower took office in 1953. But now, since it is apparent that both candidates smoke, I'll have to explain to my son that it's okay to do so, but only if you're going to be president.

 

Shameless Plug: All Things Smoking

Identity Challenged

MAG was quite surprised to find a shiny, freshly pressed credit card with his name on it waiting in the mailbox last week. He was doubly surprise considering the much-hyped credit turmoil and general financial disaster currently grabbing headlines worldwide. In addition, MAG hadn’t requested this cash replacement card, but fantasized that perhaps this new credit line was backed by the U.S Government as my part of the $700 billion bailout package. Of course, no such luck.

 

A quick call to Bank of America confirmed that MAG was indeed the victim  of identity theft. MAG's all for people imitating him, but spoofing his I.D. and attempting to take a $23,000 cash advance crosses the (credit) line. Due to questionable security measures at Equifax, the perp was able to pull my credit report probably during Mauri’s commercial break. MAG has worked in identity management and also for one of the Big Three credit bureaus (not Equifax), but never gave much thought to securing my own identity, until now.

In an effort to save the precious time we MAG’s have left in the land of credit, MAG has compiled this list of FREE actions you can take. In about 10 minutes you'll help reduce the chances of being on the phone for a whole day repeating your SSN to people you don't know:

1. You hear this often but not for the reason MAG's going to tell you: Get a free credit report from all three credit bureaus every year. The only free site working with the FTC which provides data links to the Big Three is AnnualCreditReport.com. If you just clicked on that hyperlink, you should be ashamed of yourself - see #3 below. The site allows you to fill out your information just once and visit the Big Three without having to enter it again. While the reports are nice and allow you to review your (jeepers!) credit lines, MAG is suggesting you pull your credit to prevent someone else from pulling it for you. MAG was rejected when he tried to pull his Equifax report because the fake MAG had pulled it a week earlier. A perp could still get a report by paying, however that would leave a nasty money trail. If the credit bureau offers a free online account (like Trans Union), sign up for it. By signing up for a free account, you will effectively lock your report from being pulled by a perp because you will have secured it behind a User Id and Password that only you know (see below for User ID and Password hints). This is because access is limited to one account per social security number.

2. Go to optoutprescreen.com and opt out of credit offers. In about one minute’s time, you can prevent five year's worth of credit card offers being delivered to your mailbox. Dumpster divers love credit card offers and most of them come with a blank check built right in at the bottom. How very convenient.

3. Don't be stupid when using a computer. Computer Geeks and thieves are very cleaver and can do things like present a link (like this one -> www.whitehouse.gov) that will take you to a completely different site without you noticing. That took about 5 seconds to do. Now, just imaging if someone had a bunch of time on their hands and created a site that was an exact copy of eBay. Would you login to the screen below?

Bottom line, don't trust links on sites that take you to pages where you login. Trust MAG on this - an entire Yahoo home page with login wouldn't take but a day to create an exact copy. As soon as you try and login, your e-mail address is stolen and you will be redirected to the real Yahoo site. You wouldn't suspect a thing. Bookmark the sites you visit frequently or use Live Search to search for a site and click on the link.

4. Change the User ID on your online financial accounts to something you can't remember. Write the new User ID and Password on a sticky note and place it next to your home computer. Aging Reader: "That's crazy MAG!" MAG is feeling a little pithy right now but doing this will force you to only access your financial accounts from your home computer. Away from home, your User ID and Password can be grabbed out of the air from a Wi-Fi Hotspot, stolen using a keyboard logger (recorder) from a public or work computer, or snagged by someone looking over your shoulder. Identity thieves don't break into homes to steal data, they don't need to because too many people don't read HalfDeadGuy blog. Not to sound like your mom but, unlike your underwear, you should change your password every three months.

5. Never give out your SSN or Birthday. No matter how tempting it is to get "Happy Birthday" notices on your FaceBook page, don't use your real birthday and for heaven's sake never give a site your SSN.

Identity is an odd thing that is proven over the phone by shards of information that separate us from one another. Does my address make me MAG, or my SSN, or my Birth Date, all three of these combined? While talking to the Victims Assistance Unit at Bank of America, MAG thought maybe this credit card scheme was just an elaborate ruse to get him to call an off-shore toll-free number and give the perp more information. MAG asked for proof that the operator named Mary worked for Bank of America then considered maybe it would be easier just to believe her. In the end, isn't that what companies do?

6. Set a verbal password for all financial accounts. Call any bank, credit card, and loan companies you do business with. Ask them to place a verbal password on your account. You will be required to give this password as a final identification step when transacting over the phone.

Shameless Plug: All Things About Identity Theft

Revolting Taxation

The hot topics last night at the Rock the Block fundraiser for CURE were the bailout and the fresh-to-your door Cook County Real Estate Tax Bills.  If you're not lucky enough to live in Cook County, I can only describe the feeling of opening one of these tax bills as much like having a Colonoscopy, but without the soft music.

For those of you curious about what these look like here's one I recently captured in the wild (Internet):

(Example Tax Bill - Cook County)

The first thing I love about this bill is the "PAY ONLY THIS AMOUNT" in the top left corner.  This sentence, designed by team of psychologists, is meant to soften up the lucky opener and keep them from vomiting immediately.  You think "thank goodness I only need to pay this amount."  Before "only" was added the payment receiving center employees were required by OSHA to have vomit sawdust in hand when opening tax payments.

The next section I'm drawn to is the "Tax Calculator".  Ah, the good old days of calculators.  My first was a TI-55 and it was a beauty - except for that humming sound the screen made.  I never quite understood those Reverse Polish notation HP calculators carried by the true nerds.  Do people still say Revere Polish notation or has that been wiped from PC history books?

As I start reading the Tax Calculator section though, I quickly realized it wasn't a calculator at all.  It's more of an Tax Obfuscator with foreign terms like "State Equalization Factor", "Equalized Assessed Value", and "Assessment Level".  Who makes these things up?  I especially like the "2007 Equalized Assessed Value (EAV)" item.  Putting EAV in parenthesis brings sudden clarity to an otherwise extremely murky line item.  Honey, please hand me the barf bag I'm heading into the details section of the bill.

Hey, where's my Homeowner's Exemption?  Last time I checked I'm living in home and I'm the owner (borrowed of record).  I'm sure a quick call to the office first thing Monday morning will fix that - wink wink. 

I won't bore you with my take on each of the eighteen (18) line items on the bill, but here are a few of my favorites (in order of absurdity):

1. SUBURBAN T B SANITARIUM - ($0.00) The sanitarium must have closed as there's no bill for 2007.  Why do they continue to list it?  As a threat of course.  "Remember the T B Sanitarium Tax?  Stop complaining and pay your bill  or we'll bring it back faster than you can slap a tick."

2. CONSOLIDATED ELECTIONS - ($27.34) When were all of the elections merged into one?  Maybe my eyes are glazing over but do we actually pay to vote?

3. N SHORE MOSQUITO ABATEMENT - ($18.22) You can't complain about killing bugs, right.  But should the amount be based on a home's value?  Do mosquitos prefer to suck blood from the rich?  I know there's a taxation analogy somewhere in that comment, but I just can't seem to put my finger on it.

Remember: A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.

Shameless Plug:  All Things Tax

The $700 Billion Guide To Parenting

Let me first state that I am not an economics expert. If I were, my bald head and I would be in D.C. right now with the fellow follicly-challenged Ben Bernanke and Henry Paulin.

Secondly, even though 700 billion is a huge number, it's not as big as the 13 million-digit prime number these scientists from UCLA found recently. You can see other blogs for useless comparisons like "that's equivalent to 46 toupées for all Americans over 18 who drive a Jetta".

Thirdly, I'm always looking for good parenting techniques. The Government's (read Parent) plan to bailout U.S. citizens (read Children), companies (foreign as well), and wall street investors with $700 billion dollars is all over the news. Forget Dr. Spock and Dr. Phil, the baldest men in the room worked 11 full days included cramming over the weekend on this bill; so we can be sure it is full of caffeine-induced insight.

I've done most of the heavy-lifting already; so you won't have to read, interpret, and digest (including an inordinate amount of acid reflux) the 110 page bill (Laziness and not thinking for yourself are advanced topics covered in Chapter 23). Here are some excerpts from my soon-to-be best-selling book titled The Child Whisperer: Parenting by Government Example :

Chapter 1 : Consequences Shmonsequences
Teach your children that no matter what they do, how old they, or how many times you caution them that investments involve risk and past earnings are not an indication of future performance, you will be there to save them by giving them money, housing, and in general provide for them until they are pushing daisies.

Chapter 2 : Rewarding Bad Behavior with Cold Hard Cash
Nothing says "I love you" more than cold hard cash. "Good idea breaking that window Billy. Here's $250 to fix it and while you're at it, that bat you used looks tired and old from being left out in the rain, here's another $249 for a new one." Yep, youth bats can now cost $249. No wonder our economy is in trouble.

Chapter 3 : How to Stop Whining Once and For All
The surest and fastest way to stop whining is, of course, by saying "Yes". Banker: "No job, no income? I'm sorry Billy, you're just going to have to wait until you can afford it." Billy: "I'll go and tell ACORN and file a CRA grievance and by the way, like, all of my friends are doing it." Banker: "Oh, in that case, sign here and initial here 13 million times."

Chapter 4 : He Started It or How to Blame The Other Guy
"He Started It!" seems like such a simple phrase and may not get the attention it deserves in your house. Encourage your children faced with certain judgement that they should accuse others first (this puts the other guy on the defensive - a good thing). Remember, nothing says "Let's get together on this issue and solve a problem", like finger pointing.

Chapter 5 : Because You're Entitled to it, That's Why
Put your kids on the right track by repeatedly telling them "they deserve it." No job good enough for you? "It's ok, take some time off to get your head straight." Pay for Health Care/Insurance? "You're covered." Can't get digital T.V.? "Here's a coupon." No House? You get the idea.

Chapter 6 : Do as I Do, Not as I Say
Teach your children to live well beyond their means, just like Mom and Dad do. Spending more than you earn just proves you're credit-worthy and shows your neighbors how financially savvy your are. Borrow huge amounts of money from your neighborhood load shark and when he calls in the debt take decisive action. First, and most ironically, ask demand that your children give you money. If you can't get enough there, sell or lease assets you don't own like bridges, toll ways, and even state lotteries. Call it creative financing, move on, but most importantly, keep spending - plenty more where that came from.

Chapter 7: Punish Success Indiscriminately
This is an advanced chapter and should really only be taught to children that have a complete understanding of the Communist Manifesto. No matter how successful you are, how many people you employ, how much money you make for your shareholders, how much taxable income you've produced, your loving parents reserve the right to tell the company you work for that they're paying you too much (we'll call this golden parachute protection to make you feel important). "What do you mean, that's not fair? Because we said so. That's why!"

Chapter 13 and 7 : Uh oh, Now You're in Trouble
Teach your children that as a last resort they can pull the ultimate safety cord and wipe away all of their pain by filing bankruptcy which thankfully comes in many popular flavors. "No Billy, there isn't a flavor for us parents - we didn't think of that (yet). We'll have to put a bunch of bald finance guys in a room and see what they come up with."

To pre-order your copy of the The Child Whisperer: Parenting by Government Example please contact MAG directly.

Shameless Plug: All Things Bankruptcy

Reader Pulse - Middle Age Dude?

So far this blog thingy has been pretty much one sided. I'm OK with that, but now is your chance to chime in. View this video by a Middle Age Dude (MAD? - no relation to MAG) and comment or vote (or both) below:

This Middle Age Dude

Curing Repetitive Task Existence (Part 2)

I promised in my last post to reveal how a greeting card changed my life. No, I didn’t use it to fend of an attacker with threats of a paper cut. Speaking of crime and greeting cards, I once heard that almost all greetings cards are written by inmates of our penal system. Think about that next time you’re at the grocery store buying a card: “Happy Birthday Billy, I couldn’t write anything myself, so I paid Luther at the State Penitentiary to write this card for you while he was on a break from making Shivs. Have a happy day! Where’s the cake?”

I received an accordion style birthday card when I was 8. It was printed on very heavy paper with each page containing a cartoonish picture of stereotypical men’s jobs of the 70’s: astronaut, football player, doctor, scientist, etc. I can remember placing the card on my wooden headboard opened to the page with the crazy-haired scientist surrounded by bubbling test tubes and Bunsen burners. I would look at that crazy scientist inventor guy at night and think, “With science I can change the world”. The question is: Have I done it?

Good question. Even though I’m reminded of a certain president that twisted the definition of words to try and save his ass, marriage legacy, I can confidently say I’ve changed the world, maybe not exactly the way mini-MAG thought, but in ways that satisfy me (and if you consider Computer Science a science). And that’s the key with our jobs isn’t it? I tell my boys that they should do what they love first (are there video game playing jobs?) and success will be the natural outcome when that is the focus.

Having to spend eight hours a day doing something unsatisfying will kill your soul faster than green grass through a goose. If you’re in this situation and want to cure RTE at work here’s what MAG recommends:

1. “Quit your job” is what the Oprah and Phil’s of the world would recommend. So easy to say when you have millions in the bank and a sporty chick-magnet mustache. MAG tends to be a little more practical. Simply change what you focus on at work to bring the things you love into your position (or change position). If you should have been an artist than doodle in meetings form an Art Committee to “spruce up this old place with some art” or start an art scholarship fund paid for by your company.

2. Challenge yourself at work to do those things that don’t come naturally. Not a public speaker? Volunteer to give a presentation on wicket manufacturing. You may hate it, but at least you’re not bored.

3. Teach or consult. MAGs have lots of experiences and are dying for opportunities to share them (yawn). There are groups of people called students that will actually pay to listen to MAGs pontificate about the time you stole that cow how to knock on doors and sell wickets at the “C” level.

4. Bring your work home. Huh? Simply do the things you love at home. At night when the kids and wife are asleep write about being a middle age guy (sorry that’s taken*)…or if you are secretly an audio-video (think high school A/V guy) geek, create the best home entertainment system in town and be sure to take your time to make the projects last.

5. More…there have to be tons of other ideas, feel free to contribute your comments below.

Remember: Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

* MAG is always looking for contributors to contribute.

Shameless Plug: Fun Things For Work

Curing Repetitive Task Existence (Part 1)

I received an e-mail on Wednesday morning from one of those impossible to cancel joke-a-day services. Between the myriad of ads I found the following gem:

A man is not old until his regrets take the place of dreams - Yiddish Proverb

For some reason, I couldn't get this phrase out of my head. I had a hard time clearing my mind of the word Yiddish too because it sounds so funny and I have to assume means sort-of-Yidd.

By the end of the day, my brain had connected this proverb with a video I'd seen recently. It's called Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams. I'm not a huge fan of watching an hour+ long video on the small screen, but you also can catch it on PBS (I've not been a huge fan of PBS since they jumped the shark by outing Sesame Street's Snuffleupagus in 1985 and stopped showing Monty Python reruns). I've included the video below, but you may want to get a little back story first.

Part of the challenge of being middle age is keeping yourself challenged. Not to get too scientific, but humans have one of the highest brain to body mass ratios (Mice have a higher ratio making it ironic that we experiment on them). The big brain is good, allowing us to become more efficient through repetitive experiences. I can now get the boys to bed in under 10 minutes, cook dinner for them in 8, and fall asleep on the couch in under 10 minutes (quicker if my wife has the remote). However, the big brain is also bad and can lead to RTE.

MAG's Theory of Repetitive Task Existence (RTE): As a brain protection mechanism, repetitive task experiences lead to Groundhogs Day syndrome. This syndrome is characterized by waking up with a strong feeling of deja vu.

To cure myself of RTE I went back to the basics. What did I really enjoy doing when I was a kid and what dreams did I have? Notice that this is NOT a (Bucket) list to check off before you wake up (?) on the wrong side of the grass.

We don't often think about birthday cards when we pick them out. Find the right age, see if it's funny, and buy it. However, in my next post I'll share how a birthday card changed my life and became a dream of mine.

Shameless Plug: All Things About Dreams

Soggy Cheerios, Dodi Al Fayed, and Character

There are four events that I can remember where I was, who I was with, and what I was wearing. Only my wife knows exactly what I was wearing the other days of my life. In order of memory burn-in intensity, these are:

1. 9/11
2. Princess Diana's car crash
3. O.J.'s run from the law
4. O.J.'s verdict

Someday I'll be eating my breakfast through a straw, wetting myself, and mumbling about Dodi Al Fayed. I can joke about this because I have the get-out-of-offending-people's-sensitivity card; Alzheimers runs in my family. I'll have a blog December 17th on Alzheimers.

He can run, but he can't hide. O.J., after all, occupies two of my top four memory slots. He's back in the news again. This time on "trumped up charges" of kidnapping, brandishing a gun, and stealing his own sports memorabilia. I didn't validate these charges on the Internet fact checking thingy so don't drop them into water cooler conversations yet.

When I think of O.J. two visions stream through my head like "All Night Long (All Night)" by Lionel Richie after my high school senior year prom. The first, of course, is O.J. jumping over the railing in the Hertz commercial and the second is the O.J. in Naked Gun 33 1/3 when his character, Norbert, has a 70's flashback complete with an extra large afro restricting passage through the door. Why do I bring this up? I want the old O.J. back: sports superstar, bad actor, and all around nice guy to play golf with. BTW, the Naked Gun series is on my list of all-time best movies for Middle Age Guys.

Was O.J. any of these things? It's hard to argue about the sports superstar and bad actor, but would he be fun to play golf with? I bet any person who steals satellite t.v., sports memorabilia (allegedly), and killed his ex wife (civil case) cheats a ton at golf. My dad once golfed with a potential business partner but decided against it when he noticed the man cheating at golf. Can someone's character allow for cheating at golf and not infiltrate other aspects of their life? I think character is like an eggshell, once cracked the whole egg weakens. These days MAG can only dream of real eggs, cholesterol's a little high lately.

My dear friend Conan O’Brien sums it up nicely: "Earlier today, O.J. Simpson was charged with 11 criminal counts, including kidnapping, robbery and assault. Afterwards, O.J. said, 'Wow. Now I really have done it all.'"

Did O.J. do it?

Shameless Plug: All things O.J.

Helping Hand or Lawsuit

I just returned from cleaning up my sister's basement which pulled in about four feet of water over the weekend. It turns out the condo next door's sump pump wasn't working at all requiring her pump to do double duty trying to evacuate water from both basements. The neighbor had about four feet of standing water with no way of lowering because they shut the power off to the condo, which of course included the power to the sump pump.

My friend Jay lent me a monster pump and PVC (they were out of large diameter hoses at the stores) to help out my sister. After about fifteen minutes of PVC assembly water was flowing like a fire hose.





There were several men in the neighborhood who strolled by with their coffee and said "Wow, that's quite a mess you have there". Then they would chat with my sister, who they know is unmarried, and watch me carrying item after item out the door to the driveway by their dry feet. I envisioned these men coming to a horrific crime scene: "Boy, that's a nasty bullet hole in your head - sure looks like the Cubs are going to win today, huh?"

The real hero was a neighbor named James who could have stayed inside out of sight, strolled by with a coffee, or ignored my niece's plea for help. Instead, he chose to help his neighbor. James and I worked together walking through nasty water and carrying load after load of heavy, water-logged furniture to the curb. This probably took about 30 minutes of his time to make a positive difference in his community.

During the afternoon a police officer came by with a flier which revealed that the creek had crested and the water would soon go away. Apparently this was a revelation of some sort and needed protection being delivered. The remaining 3/4 of the flier detailed a list of items including: electrical, furnace, air conditioning, plumbing, and major remodeling / demolition work that homeowners MUST obtain a permit from the city to have before any work could begin. The permits, of course, are for the resident's protection. Surely this wasn't some kind of not-so-subtle attempt to remind people there is yet another expense and process that MUST be completed to start any kind of repairs on their demolished, smelly property, was it? And exactly where was the offer to help from this town to its residence? Well, it was at the very bottom of the damp paper. There was a delightful little URL people could go to for assistance: http://www.fema.gov/ Hope you saved your computer from the flood, you'll need one to get help nowadays.

On the drive home I called my brother Steve who's a sheriff's deputy and member of the Army National Guard. We talked for a while about how the town leaders missed a great opportunity to make their community better. What if the policeman had actually asked if there was anything you needed help with? What if off duty firefighters, engineers, city council members, and building inspectors just asked if there was something they could do for the people who, by the way, pay their wage? What about giving high school students the day off if they would help bring basement garbage to the curb? "Oh MAG (Middle Age Guy)", my brother reminded me, "What would happen if one of those people tripped and fell going out the door of someone's house?" Darn, he had me again - I usually don't have to be reminded that lawyers have ruined everything including helping others.

Shameless Plug: All Things Flooding

This Just In - Flash Flood Warnings

Issued by The National Weather ServiceChicago, IL 11:06 pm CDT, Sun., Sep. 14, 2008
... THE FLOOD WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 1000 AM CDT MONDAY... FOR NORTHERN BENTON... PORTER... LAKE... JASPER... NEWTON... LA SALLE... WILL... KENDALL... KANKAKEE... GRUNDY... LIVINGSTON... IROQUOIS... NORTHWESTERN FORD... LEE... DUPAGE... DEKALB... KANE... COOK... SOUTHEASTERN OGLE... SOUTHERN LAKE AND SOUTHEASTERN MCHENRY COUNTIES...

Above is the just published Flood Warning from the National Weather Service. After producing its typical Flash Flood Watches for the past three days, the NWS has pointed out the obvious with this new alert. Too late, damage done. Most people were caught off guard by this flood because of serveral problems with the NWS.

1. The NWS doesn't grade its flash flood watch reports. On the internet we are constantly bombarded with flash flood watches, alert, and other warnings by the NWS. I see red so often on the weather.com web site that I stopped clicking on the links. The other day there was a red warning for high UV content. Believe me, I'm all about sharing information, but is this really an alert? Is this a case of the government agency crying wolf to prove its worth? Wouldn't it be great if flash flood watches came with a grade, like a hurricane? I think that would have helped more people prepare for the worst rain storm to hit Chicago in 30 years.

2. More often then not, these alerts include almost all of the counties around Chicago. Check out the list above - twenty one counties are listed. Most people have grown sick of waiting to see if their county is listed. The more counties and area that is covered by a watch, the less people feel the warning or watch is meant for them. The green area on this image is the Flood Warning area. Note that it includes all of Chicago. What are 4 million people supposed to do with this information?

3. Warnings vs. Watches: I would bet that less than 50% of adults can tell you the difference is between a Tornado Watch and a Warning. Change this to something people understand immediately and you'll probably save hundreds of lives next year. How about a Tornado Sighting and Tornado Possibility? Ask a five year old what these mean and I bet they get it!

Shameless Plug: All Things Flooding

Flood Time in Northfield Illinois

While the U.S. focused its resources and efforts on Huricane Ike, Chicago was flooded when between 6 to 12 inches of rain fell in a 24 hour period. Tens of thousands of homes were flooded.



As you can see from the video my eight year old son Chris had a lots of fun playing in the water. Most of the adults in soaked Chicago didn't have that much fun though.

With the Middlefork branch of the Chicago River in our backyard, we feel blessed to only have water in our crawlspace, garage, and laundry room. The crawlspace damage is severe requiring insulation removal and mold proofing. That's not too bad considering our tiny ranch house actually became an obstacle in the river's path and the river ran right around it.

My wife and I chose to move our family here and the river wasn't secretly placed in our backyard one night while we slept. We knew the risks and accepted them. Since we're in the flood plan and flood way, we pay more a thousand dollars a year to FIMA to live near the beautiful, yet dangerous river. That thousand dollars isn't too much for piece of mind.

There is no incentive for FEMA to fix flooding problems, in fact they make laws and strickly enforce them prohibiting protecting property in the flood plane from flooding. Yes, FEMA prohibits us from protecting our property from flooding. We can't put up a sea wall or grade our backyard to keep water going down the river. We can't add soil, rocks, or other "permanent" fixtures that are below the 100 year flood level. Insurance isn't protection, never has been, never will be. If FEMA doesn't protect us and they won't let us protect ourselves, then who will? Couldn't FEMA apply some of the billions of dollars they collect for flood insurance to dredge the river bed and use the extracted material to create a natural berm along the river's edge keeping the water in the river? You have to ask why FEMA doesn't want to solve the problem and why they prohibit us from doing so. Is it easier, cheaper, and most importantly more self-sustaining to watch the water rise and pay for clean-up?

When we purchase our second home and had some water damage after the first heavy rainfall, I just couldn't believe a 103-year-old farm house didn't have a sump pump in the basement. Had all of the previous owners used the same backwards logic as FEMA? Maybe, but then again, I've always been kind of lazy that way, trying to solve problems to save time and money.